[TRIGGERS AND WARNINGS: non-graphic mentions of sex, minor cussing]
I’ve seen a couple ace bloggers responding to the questions and search terms that pop up in their search engine referral boxes. I’ve never done that before because quite frankly, the idea of someone analyzing the mindless search terms I use to get to sites freaks me out a bit…And also, I suspect that while helpful as a resource to the non-asexuals bearing questions, most of the answers are old hat and boring to asexual readers.
Nonetheless, I feel obligated to answer a few since that seem to stem from misunderstandings that I feel it would be helpful to have corrections on. Questions exist to be answered, after all 😛
1. “Can an asexual enjoy blowjobs?”
Simply: Yes. Just like with people of any sexual orientation, there are asexuals who can and do enjoy oral-genital sex. I’d say, going totally off of personal observations, small surveys, and anecdotal evidence, that you’re probably a lot less likely to find an asexual who enjoys blowjobs, however. After all, there are the asexuals who are completely repulsed by the idea of themselves having sex at all, and then there are those indifferent to having sex, and then there are the asexuals who enjoy sex. Only the latter identifying-group would likely have some asexuals who enjoy blowjobs.
2. “Asexuals repulsed by sex hate couples”
No. Hell no might I add. Like people who enjoy blowjobs, people who hate couples can likely be found in any group. But no way do all or even most repulsed asexuals hate couples. Why would they? Even asexuals who are repulsed by the idea of themselves (or even others) having sex, can still be a member of a couple. Our parents were likely couples, our friends are quite often in couples, and some of us live to ship (pair fictional characters up into couples :P).
I think it is easy to see how someone might come to this misunderstanding that certain asexuals hate couples. Many asexuals, especially aromantics, have been the recipient of much unwanted pressuring to be in a couple-type relationship. My own mother out of the blue advised me to get married as the solution to all my problems the last time we talked on the phone!
“But I’m not dating anyone right now Mom.”
“That doesn’t matter. Just find some boy and marry him. He’ll take care of you.”
My mother, while her advice was serious, would never actually try to make me do such a thing, which is why it’s so hilarious. But it’s not funny, the real pressure that is put on some asexuals to “be normal” or to “give us grandchildren”, the treating of the asexual as a freak, or flawed, or immature, sick or crazy for not wanting to date, marry, or have children. So it is understandable, I think, that sometimes an asexual may take go to an asexual forum or their blogs and rant a bit about how they don’t want to f**cking get married Mom, GODDAMNIT. Such should be taken as what it is, a bit of venting, not an indication that some asexual types hate couples.
Or maybe you’ve seen some asexuals talking about how they hate seeing PDAs (public displays of affection, such as as couples’ public spit-swapping and making goo-goo eyes at each other :P). All I can say is, with all the loathing and ranting about PDAs I see from many non-asexuals, I can just guess that PDA-loathing, like many other traits, occurs in people of every sexual orientation, and that it’s opposing trait, PDA-loving, occurs in some asexuals. So the next time you see a couple locking lips leaning against your locker (I love alliteration :D), consider that one of them might even be an asexual.
3. “what is asexuality and its affect on others “
Asexuality is a sexual orientation that is defined by a lack of experiencing sexual attraction. That is the core tenet, the only real required defining trait to be considered an asexual by most people identifying as asexual. On most other traits (sex drive, porn habits, masturbation, willingness to date, have sex, marry, have children, attitude towards sex, favorite dessert) an asexual can vary a lot. A good thing to do is just keep in mind that core tenet. When someone tells you they are asexual, that is about the only thing you’ve learned, that they do not experience sexual attraction. Anything else, you’ll just have to ask them about (although really, do be tactful. I think many people of any sexual orientation might be put-off if a near-stranger asked them about their masturbation habits. )
As for its affect on others, a person being asexual will probably not have much effect on others, unless one of your family members is an asexual, or someone you are dating, married to, or want to date is an asexual.
If one of your family members is an asexual, you may have to accept that they may not ever date or marry (if they are aromantic), that you should probably educate yourself on asexuality and treat it legitimately and with the respect due other orientations, or you risk hurting or pissing off your asexual relative. You may also have to become accustomed to an increased wearing of purple, gray, white, and black clothing from them, as well as a higher demand for cake. You may, as a result, run out of things like eggs, milk, and sugar more frequently. (I make those last jokes with the assumption that the non-asexual reader will diligently educate themselves on asexuality…)
If you’re a non-asexual dealing with a spouse, romantic partner, or potential romantic partner who you have learned is asexual, you are probably (understandably) wondering about the sex issue. Some asexuals enjoy having sex. It’s rather hard to explain this, so I’m going to be lazy and leave that for a later post, but for now, suffice to say, some asexuals will be willing to have sex with you and will actually enjoy it (whether they enjoy it for the intimacy, or because it makes you happy, or because of the physical sensations, or whatever). Other asexuals are indifferent to having sex. They are neither disgusted by it nor enjoying of it. And yet other asexuals are repulsed by sex, or by certain sex acts. Whether you want to pursue a relationship with an asexual of any of these types, and how you want to deal with the sex issue is up to you and the asexual. Some asexuals, even if they don’t particularly enjoy sex, are willing to compromise and have it in a relationship.
Finally, aromantic asexuals aren’t interested in being in romantic relationships, but they can be great friends, and some desire platonic partners.
[/end questions/answers] If anyone has any questions about any of that, or spots any inaccuracies or incorrect statements, please bring them to my attention (I never try to be offensive or ignorant about anything, but there is really so much territory to cover with asexuality…and I am not particularly great at picking up some of the distinctions other asexuals make on terminology usages… also, has anyone else noticed their spelling abilities going down the drain with increased internet usage? I blame the auto-correct… ) And I simply MUST bake and decorate some Bert and Ernie cupcakes apparently, because I get more hits for that than anything asexual-related… /sob