Let’s talk a little about being ugly. We’ll throw fat in too, since what I am particularly wanting to address is the “You’re just asexual because you’re ugly” idea, and with it the “you just can’t get anyone because you’re ugly.” idea as well. We’re including fat because, hey, come on, with the way people are? I’m sure some of us have heard the “You’re just asexual because you’re fat and can’t get anyone.” version.
The idea, I think, is that a person will take refuge in asexuality “I’m not interested in anyone because I’m asexual!” rather than admitting the truth, that they ARE interested, but are simply too ugly/fat to get anyone.
This isn’t going to be a long article, because I can debunk this very short and simple. Simply go over to your TV set, turn it on, tune into the Maury Povich show, and watch how many fat and ugly people are getting it on with multiple partners, with multiple possible fathers, and probably getting significantly more laid than a lot of great-looking people (such as myself).
Not that you have to submit yourself to Maury if you don’t want to. You can just look around you in life. How many ugly, fat, or fat AND ugly people do you see in romantic-sexual relationships, and marriages? TONS. There was some chick who was like 700lbs on TV and she got a boyfriend.
I mean this is just stupid, this idea that ugly or fat people can’t get laid or find partners. It’s a joke. At the very least, if the world operated the way people pretend it does, and people of similar looks-levels match up, the fat and/or ugly people can always match up with each other.
The mind. It cannot take the stupidity of so many people in the world. Come on. We’ve all seen:
A. Fat guys and fat girls together
B. Ugly guys and ugly girls together
C. good-looking people with ugly people together
D. fat people with skinny people. Together.
E. All kinds of combinations of the above.
Sexyness is not all in looks. Some good-looking people like to believe that, that their looks can make up for having a shit personality, being an asshole, having a horrible laugh, being unwilling to do anal, and wearing floral print high heels. The truth is, it really doesn’t.
The truth is, when someone is funny and kind and sexy to someone, their flaws often start looking cute, rather than as flaws. For instance, I was head over heels for this girl once, who had a dead tooth. I doubt many people sit there and think “ahh dead teeth, how beautiful and attractive.” But, since I loved her, I loved her dead tooth. It was adorable to me, a perfect thing that was a part of her.
The thing is, there are all sorts of things that determine attraction and love. For some people, it’s their voice or laugh (my girl above had a laugh that could make most guys cream their jeans). For others, what they want out of a partner is someone who can cheer them up no matter how down they are. Others want someone who’s sexually compatible and great in bed (which has nothing to do with looks in itself). Common interests. A certain physical trait, like green eyes, brown eyes, a bit butt, freckles, dainty hands, big hands, it goes on and on.
Looks are probably the sole defining attraction-trait for a very small part of the population. Those are not usually the kind of people you honestly want to date. I
Now, I know what you’re thinking (actually I don’t, but I’m going to assume for the point of the story): “Well, I’m frequently interested in people based on their looks, and I’m not an asshole.”
And you’d be right. But I seriously doubt you are interested in looks to the exclusion of all other traits. Maybe a girl or guy’s cuteness is what makes you want to talk to them, but you would probably cease wanting to date them if they were a major creep, or super annoying.
And if you met someone who was just perfect for you, had every personality trait and kink you wanted them to, and they had an ugly trait or were fat, would you just let them go because their looks weren’t that great?
Sure, there are some people who probably really couldn’t get over a person’s ugliness or fatness. But honestly, those people either have serious hang-ups or the sort of personality I couldn’t imagine anyone ever wanting to get saddled with in a partner.
Anyway, I’m getting off on tangents about looks and attraction when really, I’m just trying to prove here that it’s ridiculous to assume that fat or ugly people can’t find anyone to date/fuck/marry.
If you’re being told by someone that you’re only identifying as an asexual because of your looks:
1. Point to society.
You can point anyone saying “You’re too ugly/fat to get anyone, that’s why you’re asexual” to a motherfucking window, or a TV set, and prove them wrong, because chances are there are plenty of people as ugly/fat as you getting plenty of sex, dates, etc out there.
2. Hand them a mirror.
Ask them, “How did you manage to get a partner then?”. Now, obviously that’s rude as fuck, but it’s not even on the same level as telling someone “You’re too ugly/fat to fuck” because of their sexual orientation.
3. Point out all the people that have tried to date you.
Chances are, someone has tried to date you in your past. Even if they have shitty, cruel motives like “I’m a complete loser/psycho/asshole, but I bet this ugly person will settle for me”, the chances are good that if you were really out to get laid or married, someone expressed interest at some time. If not, well, you lucky asshole. You can always tell them I hit you up:
“There’s some girl on the internet that wants to date me.”
“She’s probably a 40-year old dude.”
“Well, then a 40-year old dude wants to nail me, so you’re still wrong about me not being able to get anyone.”
4. Honestly, I have no more suggestions on how to deal with this level of bullshit, that’s so illogical and stupid that it makes ME feel stupid just trying to refute it. I would suggest being as rude or hostile as you wish to anyone who uses the stupid line. Kick them out of your life if you can, if it’s a more casual attachment. If it’s a boss or co-worker, teacher or professor, probation officer, someone you have to be around, well, get away from them as soon as legally possible, because they are a major fucking asshole.
And stupid. Which is not just me heaping insults on assholes, but the legitimate truth. How do you go your whole life without noticing all the ugly or fat people out there with partners? Only stupidity can explain it.
Anyway, this has been my thoughts and suggestions on dealing with asexuality as an ugly or fat person, or as a person of any look status who is dealing with the “you’re asexual because you’re fat and/or ugly” line.
I wrote this because the search term “scared of being judged for being fat and asexual” popped up in my list of referral terms for this blog a while back, and it broke my heart. The idea that there are people out there that have to be afraid of being open about their sexual orientation, all because people are so damned judgemental about looks, just kills me. I know the “you just can’t get a man!” is given to lesbians all the time, and that it’s given to asexuals as well… let me just say the whole phenomenon inspires a lot of extremely not-nice feelings in me, if the tone of this post hasn’t given that away.
Society. Humankind. Get your shit together.
Asexual Cupcake 
Love the post! I’ve been thinking about this sort of argument in a disability context recently as well, a lot of the same sorts of principles apply. It also brings to mind a time when I spoke to a women’s magazine about asexuality and the title of the story emphasised how attractive I was – just like Swankivy and David Jay have experienced too! Like we have to somehow prove that our asexuality isn’t just because we can’t get laid… Gah.
Thank you! I think it applies to a lot of things really–I’m really not sure where this idea came into existence that it’s hard to get a partner… Maybe post-world wars where the female-to-male ratio was so badly off.
It’s very irritating, isn’t it? Like, why is your attractiveness even worth mentioning? You don’t see this with LGB articles, like “omg! we’ve found an attractive bisexual! alert the media!” -_- honestly our attractiveness ratios are probably the same as in the non-asexual population… I guess I can understand if they’re trying to dispel the ugly-asexual myth themselves, but… it’s tiring.
You wouldn’t happen to have a link to your interview would you? I’m always interested in reading more pieces on asexuality.
It does get rather tiring.
I’ve done two articles, they’re up on my blog. The second one’s headlines made me laugh so hard. They read back the main text to me, but I didn’t know about the extra bits! Here:
When I started taking life drawing classes, I discovered that everyone is beautiful. When you focus your attention on the model as you draw you see nothing but beauty. And modeling is a job that attracts a good number of men of a certain age, not all of the athletic persuasion. What if we retired the word ‘ugly’ and ditched the shame? All that free energy– people might start making trouble.
One more thing art classes are good for 🙂 I definitely think everyone is physically fascinating; that the body is the sole method by which another mind interacts with and perceives the world alone should cause us to respect it.
Free energy–how many women spend an hour a day on their appearance? and how many, if they could be sure of being free of being judged, would give that up? I think even an extra 5 hours a week free could do a lot of people good.
there are too many things we’re told are important that really aren’t, that are just distractions from more important things…
As a Massage Therapist I see all kinds of body types. In them, I see all kinds of beauty. The funny thing about my western culture is that the kind of beauty everyone seems to like(entertainers and such), there just arent that many of them out here, well, from my experience at least. 😉
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If you don’t already, you can also point out all the physically attractive people who identify as aces. That would blow a hole in their theory entirely. Great article….